Wednesday, September 30, 2009

We woke in the hotel that morning feeling much more normal after a night’s sleep. I’m glad, too, because it was to be an emotionally charged day. We were to be at the hospital mid morning, so we had a quick breakfast and headed across the street to Target – there was something important I needed to pick up for Preston’s first mom.

We made it to the hospital and spent the next hours in a surreal state of mind. Besides keeping Josh busy, we spent some time with Preston’s mom before she signed papers. We drew up a contact agreement. We discussed names. It was important to her that we kept the names she had given to him, yet she was ok with us adding our own name. We sat outside, where we were sweltering and they were cool, and discussed our futures and what had led us all to this point.

His mom was quiet. Emotional. Heartbroken. So were we. It was even hard for me to feel excitement, to feel like a new mom when it was because of the broken heart sitting in front of me. Yet she never wavered. She had already said her goodbyes to her baby and was ready. We all went inside and we waited in the waiting area while Preston’s mom, a friend, the lawyer, and our adoption worker all went into her hospital room one last time. She was signing her surrender papers.

The signing of the paperwork took a long time. We had time to discuss in the waiting room while we waited and Josh napped. We really wanted to make sure she didn’t feel rushed to actually sign, and I’m not sure if that happened or not. We felt very out of place and uncomfortable, just hanging around waiting for her to sign over her baby to us (well technically, we only have physical custody of him right now, not legal. Just how it works.)

After she had signed, it was time for her to leave the hospital. She came to say goodbye to us in the waiting area. I gave her a small token of our promise to stay in touch. She was crying. Her friend was crying. I was holding it back. We hugged and said our goodbyes. Then she had to do what was probably the hardest thing of this whole journey –

leave without her baby.

Shortly afterward, we were officially on our way “home” (the hotel) with baby Preston. I channeled my nerves into making sure a 5 pound baby was properly buckled into a carseat that looked ginormous. It was really too much of an emotionally charged, surreal day to feel like this new one’s parents, to feel happy. We called immediate family to let them know he was ours and we were leaving the hospital, but the emotions of the day – guilt, sadness, shell-shocked, would keep me from truly feeling like this new little one’s mom for a few days.

We had started the day a family of 3 and ended it as a family of 4.